…you don’t get. Sometimes you can ask and you still don’t get, but if you don’t do the asking in the first place, you’ll never know.
I’ve always had a hard time asking for things. Always expected other people to somehow magically know what I wanted, which of course led to disappointment when they inevitably didn’t. I thought asking for things was bad. Greedy. Selfish. Needy. Rude. And so I rarely got what I wanted (sometimes, needed), and so I was sad a lot. My husband likes to remind me that he does not in fact have psychic powers, and that if I want him to do something, I actually need to remember to tell him. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I forget. But it’s always better to ask and be told no, than is it not to ask and to never know.
January is always the time of year for Resolutions. I used to be a great resolution-maker, very serious, and then always very cross with myself when things didn’t work out exactly as I’d Resolved. This year, I’m making a change. I’m doing two things: 1) choosing a word that I want to embody this new year, and 2) making a great big list of WANTS instead of Resolutions.
The word part was easy for me this year, and the word is action!
I spent so much of last year waiting, hibernating, feeling ill, that I just allowed my life to happen around me, for the most part. Clearly that can’t continue – I’ve done far more than my fair share of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and it’s time to move on. I decided to treat myself to Honey & Ollie’s One Word bracelet, which Rain will be making for me with the word action! stamped right across the middle. Any time I feel inclined to moan and feel sorry for myself about things not going the way I want, I can look at the bracelet and be reminded that there’s always something, no matter how small; there will always be an action I can take that will change things.
(Sometimes, yes, the action will be go to the shop and buy a giant bar of chocolate and sit in a nice hot bubble bath whilst eating it, because fibromyalgia sucks and I need a tiny bit of luxury right now. But an action’s an action, no matter how small.)
The other part, the I WANT part, still feels a bit weird, a bit selfish. But the important thing to remember is that just because I WANT something, there is nothing and nobody out there in the universe that is obliged to leap up and simply give that thing to me. If I WANT something, I have to WORK for it. And there will always, always be an action! I can take that will move me one tiny step closer.
So, these are a few of the things that I WANT for 2014.
1) I WANT a lovely garden
I have the bones of a lovely garden, but it will take a lot of work to turn it into the garden that’s in my head, and I’m going to need help. Fortunately my Mum loves gardening, and she’s offered to come over with books to help us identify what some of the giant overgrown shrubs are supposed to be. We have one friend who can help us to design and landscape the space, and another who can help me to keep on top of looking after it all. (We’ll pay them for that, of course, as that’s how they earn a living.) For now I’m reading Gardeners World magazine, and doing a bit of pruning when I feel up to it. I can do more when it’s not raining all the time!
2) I WANT to be more healthy
Well, my doctor’s pretty much given up on me with this one (long story, very dull), and acupuncture’s beyond my budget at the moment, even though I know it would help. So, it’s up to me to try and keep the fibromyalgia a little more under control. I’ve started by giving up coffee and caffeinated fizzy drinks. I kind of want to give up caffeine altogether, but I don’t think I could survive without tea! So I’m taking things a step at a time. I’m giving up dairy, because I already know it doesn’t agree with me, which I need to keep reminding myself means NO MILK CHOCOLATE. I also need to do more exercise. This can be a tricky one with fibromyalgia, because the increased blood flow through the body can make the pain much, much worse, which then makes the fatigue much, much worse, which isn’t terribly helpful! But, I’m walking a mile home from the bus stop most days, and when the weather stops being quite so revolting I want to start catching the bus a little further away from work, so these little bits will all start to add up.
3) I WANT a pair of silver shoes
Yes, that went from very serious to rather frivolous quite quickly, I know! I’ve spent the past couple of years building up my shoe collection, and the only gap left in it is for a pair of silver shoes that I can wear in summer. I have a moneybox which collects all my spare change as I save up for the pair I want… but that rather depends on whether Ren at Fairysteps decides to make any silver shoes this year! If not, then I’ll order a pair from Conker instead. I figure that the weather won’t be nice enough for summer shoes until at least May, so I’ve got a while to save up!
4) I WANT an instant camera
I recently acquired two boxes of Instax Wide film to go with a Fuji 200 or 210 instant camera. I have a friend who thinks she has the right model of camera and is willing to lend it to me, I just need to wait until our paths next cross at work. If my two boxes of film come out well, and I actually do something with the pictures, then I’ll decide whether to buy an instant camera of my own.
5) I WANT to run my own business again
Well, that part’s easy. On April 6th, the beginning of the new tax year, I’ll set myself up as a Sole Trader again, and start running Mr & Mrs Magpie’s Inexplicable Emporium as a formal business arrangement. The difficult part will be deciding what I want to make, and how to sell it! As I’ve said before, the past year has been spent doing a lot of research, and I’ll be carrying over most things that are currently in the Etsy store. There will also be new things, once my hat blocks arrive, so I’ll just have to wait and see how they’re received.
There’s more, of course, but I think that’s plenty for now!
I have made one Resolution, which is to do something towards the business every single day, no matter how small. As it turns out I’ve been ill for the past few days (since I went back to work!), so the actions have been very small indeed. I’ve sewn some experimental bootlaces, sent out a parcel, re-listed some items on Etsy, and not much else! Once I’m feeling better (stupid tonsils) I can get back to doing more again.
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